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It's Hard To Be Happy When Your Head Is Full Of Sin

by Equinox

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1.
I know that what I’m doing is wrong but I just can’t help myself. Jesus, bless me, I’m about to sin, and, drown in her bodies wealth. I know that I shouldn’t do these things but I can’t control my whims. I’ve never been a religious man, but now I’m counting my sins. Time can only tell when I can face up to the world, and the chauvinist inside me will be out once and for all, and the times I’ve acted in ill health are rubbed clean from my past. These are the times I can live free without aspersions cast. I know what I am doing to her but she’s led me for so long, And if she keeps on pushing me, to her whimsies I’ll belong. I know that what I’m doing is wrong, but I must succumb to lust. The sexist housed inside of me must keep this image robust. Jesus Christ you’ve got to help me please, even though in God I have never believed.
2.
My head is aching, my mind is brewing, I’m sure there’s something I should be doing, to ease your conscience baby - clear your mind, but I’m far too busy clearing mine. My head is aching, my body’s dying, I’m sure there’s someone I can hear crying, for someone to hold on to - for all time, but I’m too engrossed making my life prime. My head is aching, my brain is hurting, I can almost sense the final curtain, now that life has fulfilled my every wish, I could die only feeling the pain of your kiss.
3.
So, is this goodbye to a friend? A friendship we thought would not end. Is this the start of where we drift apart? Into loneliness now we descend.
4.
As if in my arms your head on my breast A lifetime away then together again Could your heart resume beating? Will you breathe once again? A lifetime together, never to part I will never again feel the beat of your heart I look to your eyes to search for some light I know you can see me, I know you have life Must I take my own life to touch you again? To re-join my true love must I vacate this plane? I must hold your torch high, though I long to be one I cannot, I will not, believe you are gone.
5.
I want somebody who’s there When I’m needing a friend I know who’ll always be near Until the bitterest end Someone who I can rely To always be around Someone to talk to Without even a sound She will let me be free When I need to let go Then she’ll bring me back home to her open arms Now I’m not always right I am frequently wrong But she understands and tells me how to improve To be her perfect man One who she’ll want for all time And if the truth were to be known I just want her to be mine
6.
With you I have shared my entire life, I could not go on if you were to die, I would be at complete loss should you not be here, it is so commonplace to know you are so near If you were to die then I would soon follow. There’s a hell that haunts me of you dying tomorrow. Please don’t ever die on me as it would surely destroy me Please. Don’t. Die. On. Me. With you I have felt at my own ease. For you I’ve done my utmost to please. Should you ever go then I could not carry on. To your uniqueness I could no longer belong. If you were to die I would surely collapse. To my childhood bad habits I would no doubt relapse. Please don’t ever die on me, as it would really cripple me Please. Don’t. Die. On. Me.
7.
It's barely 15 minutes since I found his body there Slouching on the settee with a vomit induced stare An empty prescription bottle sticking to his clammy hand and half a dozen tablets scattered round like grains of sand A crisp manila envelope sealed with little haste 'To Whom It May Concern' inscribed upon its face As I stooped to pick it up I swear he smiled at me I knew, at last, he'd arrived upon the place he yearned to be The letter read: 'If you've found this note you're too late to say goodbye If you're reading this then I've already left your life If you're stood there wondering why I've done what I have done the answer is life and all it brings, and, what I've left undone Please pass on all my love to the girl I love the most Tell her I'll watch over her with Father, Son and Holy Ghost And one more thing - before you think that you can save my life is that everything I have I leave to the boys and my humbled wife' Now as I look down on his form I know I will not cry I will not wince, I will feel no pain, I will not question why I will instead be happy that he is at peace at last That his troubles and his worries are now all in the past He often told me that he felt he was destined for greater things that the life he had was difficult with all the hurt it brings and I know now what he meant when said under his breathe - "Media vita in morte sumus” (in the middle of life we are in death)
8.
My sweet Rose Mon cherie Did you want to kiss me? Did you want me to leave? Your place Your home I didn’t mean to leave my heart Where I should only leave my money You take me You fuck me You leave me To decompose Whilst I pay: You’ll always be mine Your thoughts are mine Your body is mine Your soul is mine And when I’m gone: My feelings remain My love grows stronger My heart beats faster For my beautiful whore
9.
I sit here alone Alone, here I sit The silent phone My impenetrable wit My insufferable muse My existence forlorn I long to abuse my despicable form This stubborn old mule has nothing to give This wretched sad fool has no reason to live The New Year Eve time crawls beyond midnight My paranoia benign never gives up the fight Alone, here I sit I remain here alone To misery I commit In life’s game, a pawn.
10.
Scream Lord Almighty! Scream Lord above. Scream damn and tarnation. Scream out aloud. Scream Hell on all Earth. Scream evil to all. Scream obscenities out. Scream pain to man. Scream war all over. Scream death to alive. Scream bad to enemies. Scream bad to friends. Scream bad to parents. Scream bad to kin. Scream Jesus H. Christ! Scream God never lived. Scream love of evil. Scream Satan is King! Scream Lord Almighty! Scream Lord above. Scream damn and tarnation. Scream out aloud.
11.
I write this way as it’s how I feel Content Togetherness Wanted You’re my second chance My lifesaver Strength Passion My rock You’ve brought me down from my fancy flight Calm Stable Grounded Stay with me forever It’s what I want You Me Us
12.
Do you question your existence? Pleasure, pain, suffering, elation Joy, death, love/lust, emptiness Hurt, guilt, loneliness, hunger Poverty, betrayal, commitment, ecstasy Pity, trust, friendship, religion Sexism, machismo, masochism, torture Racism, homophobia, parenting, jealousy Care, concern, infidelity, hate Decisions, contemplation, adultery, violence Without questions you find no answers.
13.
I grip your throat Hold the cold steel to your skull See life pulsing on your temple Beads of sweat on your forehead My finger twitching on the trigger I salivate Sweat on my palms My heart beats fast, faster, so fast My throat pounds My finger twitches Your pupils dilate You shudder in terror I tighten my grip Put this weapon in your mouth You wince You squeal My finger twitching (pull the trigger) Motionless You fall Gone
14.
I think I’ve found something, but I don’t know what it is A simmering belief in a thing I cannot describe Something to follow – a presence or a spirit In the hope of having something I can hold on to A thing that I know will comfort me in times of need A thing I converse with, confess to (pray, in a sense) I have envied acquaintances who worship and believe Now I too feel I may be aligning a religion of sorts.

about

When William Blake penned his often recited poem Jerusalem about the North West of England (more specifically East Lancashire) he could almost have unwittingly been setting the scene for the work of Equinox. Those ‘dark Satanic mills’ almost a metaphor for the depression that is prevalent within the poetry and the ‘mental fight’ that has become an almost daily battle.

The poetry of Equinox takes no prisoners with subject matter ranging from male suicide to prostitution but with equal amounts of undying love and devotion, and has been set to music by several musical influencers with whom contact has been made over the last few years.


“it draws you in and then slaps you in the head..... Brilliantly done" - Gideon Coe, BBC Radio 6 Music

“we could be about to witness an explosion” – Louder Than War (Ones to Watch 2017)

“brilliant” – God Is In The TV

"sound big enough to fill a ballroom" - Gigslutz

"a compelling and eclectic release, with tunes that will move your feet as well as your mind" - KitMonsters

"Equinox has released what is one of the most immersive, frustrating, enjoyable, progressive, and ultimately listenable records I've ever heard." - Echo Synthetic

“Equinox’s Mancunian lilt is very reminiscent of Ian Curtis” - Joyzine

"this is excellent" - HiFi Curious

credits

released June 26, 2017

Re-mastered by Superhand at Maltbarn Studios

Cover artwork - Jacob C Scott/Equinox

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Equinox England, UK

“it draws you in and then slaps you in the head..... Brilliantly done" - Gideon Coe, BBC Radio 6 Music

“we could be about to witness an explosion” – Louder Than War

“brilliant” – God Is In The TV

"sound big enough to fill a ballroom" - Gigslutz

"is one of the most immersive, frustrating, enjoyable, progressive, and ultimately listenable records I've ever heard." - Echo Synthetic
... more

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